It is time for me to get on my podium and say to all of us suffering on the inside, “I get it and understand.”
Autoimmune diseases are evil things living in your body. This is how I continue to describe an autoimmune disease to people. “It is like an army in my body where my cells are wearing helmets and as soon as they see “good cells” they attack.” As in many wars, nobody is a winner. In the Battle of AI, no winners are allowed.
I get my strength from many. My best friend gets up every day for work. I know what she battles daily yet she continues on. She looks fine on the inside yet again, the army inside of her attacks. You would never know because if you go up to her, she has a smile on her face.
My girlfriend from high school has two little ones and she is so brave and has so much courage. Battling an AI disease is hard enough with a grown child; however, having little ones that need your attention at all times is difficult. I can only imagine her daily issues and pain, and yet she continues on. We gather strength from chatting and listening to each other.
There is a mother where I work whose child is now a 2nd grader. When this child was in kindergarten, you would never have known she was sick and in and out of the hospital. His homework was ALWAYS complete, on time for school, etc. Yet her army inside of her was attacking at full force.
I go to the doctor this Wednesday, ready with my list of issues. The latest issues are falling and the neverending exhaustion. I think the falling issue is due to the feeling of stepping on nails when I get up. I have not mastered the art of nail walking or walking on fire yet. My bruises that I’ve had for over two months still glare at me.
Many have told me I look great; however, I hate the mirror. I try and not look at it because when I do I want to go down a dark path. I stand in front of the mirror and glare at that person in the mirror. When I bounce around at work and don’t see myself, I picture me as a healthy pretty me. How about this one, I weigh more now than I did pregnant with Shaun. Thank you steroids, et al for all you do to my body to help me look like a bloated mess.
How am I dealing? Work, work, and more work. When I move, the stiffness eases up. Yet I know I have to get some rest in somewhere. When I work on Saturday, the shop I work at has mirrors behind the cabinets. All I see are these huge black eyes, which makeup does not cover.
Another way to deal? Music, music, and more music. It takes my mind off things. God help me if Adele comes on though. Yikes! She can bring a massive sob. J I sing as loud as I want because it makes me happy.
Today is another day. I am quiet, which is something for me, and I continue on. I may get to things around the house, or I may not. I just don’t care. I just want to make it in this world to see Shaun grow up. I made it past the deadline of high school, now I need to get through college. Then whatever Shaun does after that…..I want to see or hear.
One day at a time, one minute at a time, and sometimes, one second at a time.
Hugs and love to all the AI people out there. I understand your suffering. With each other we can gather strength… one day at a time, one minute at a time, and sometimes, one second at a time.
