If I Were To Leave Today

If I Were To Leave Today

If I were to leave today, would all the pain go away?

Would I wake up ready to take flight, without having to put up a fight?

Would I be able to grip, because now my hands constantly slip?

Would I be able to take one step forward, without always seeming to have to take five steps back?

Would I look up into the sky and see beautiful colors, instead of the constant shades of gray?

Would I place my feet on the ground and not stumble, because now my body crumbles.

Would I wake up with smiling eyes, instead of the tears that seem to constantly flow down the sides?

If I were to leave today, would all the pain go away?

Happy 20th birthday, Peanut!

No longer a teenager!  What’s that about?  Since this is Shaun’s Golden Birthday, I thought I would take a trip down memory lane. 

When I was pregnant with Shaun, I was working downtown.  It was always quite humorous to see “the suits” put up their papers on the train, so they couldn’t see the pregnant woman and have to give up their seat.  Whatever, guys.  It was always a woman who would give you their seat.  After all, the Wall Street Journal requires being read when sitting.  Anyway, I always knew Shaun would be Shaun.  His plaque was already hanging in his room.  Thank goodness I was correct; otherwise we would have had a “Shaunina” running around.  Just kidding, I wouldn’t do this to a child.

I was a few weeks early and quite upset that I didn’t get to finish Lamaze class.  After all, you got free gifts when you went AND free juice and cookies!  Shaun decided to come into the world, or should I say he knocked on my uterus, during Oprah.  I admit, I didn’t want to go to the hospital.  Come ON!  Oprah is on!  However, after calling the doctor, he said to head over to the hospital.  I was hooked up to all the various machines and thought to myself, “Hey, this labor thing isn’t too bad.”  Since I missed the rest of Lamaze, I am sure I missed the part that said, “WHEN YOUR WATER BREAKS, WATCH OUT!”  As you can guess, they had to break my water.  Talk about an angry uterus!  And by the way, OUCH!

If there can be a “best part of labor” I always throw this in because it is my favorite.  You know how you have your coaches?  Well, my mom was in the room with me trying to get me through this pain.  All I remember is my mom quietly hissing in my ear, “ss, ss, who, ss, ss, who.”  I probably rolled my eyes and was thinking to myself, “WHY IS MY MOTHER HISSING AT ME?  IS SHE PART SNAKE TODAY?  PLEASE STOP!  YOU ARE NOT HELPING MY PAIN, YOU ARE MAKING ME ANGRY!”  Fast forward to delivery.  Shaun was an easy birth and came out with a couple pushes.  Thank goodness. I think Shaun heard his grandma hissing and was in a hurry to see what this woman looked like AND if she was part cobra.

Shaun and I enjoyed quite a few cries together those first few months.  While looking at each other, I would say to him, or should I say cry at him, “I FED YOU, I CHANGED YOU, I BURPED YOU, WHAT DO YOU WANT???”  I knew what I wanted…a drink!

How cute is a toothless grin?  Shaun was always all smiles bouncing up and down in his crib.  One day, when I went to check on him, to my HORROR a cold was starting and snot was running down his nose.  He was all smiles and jumping, as I quickly grabbed a Kleenex, looked away, and full out GAGGED!  Poor kid.  To this day, I can’t handle snot.

There is nothing like having the flu and having your toddler tell you he is going to call Nickelodeon’s Big Help and donate.  Shaun didn’t care that my head was in the toilet.  He came running in the bathroom, saw me spewing like Reagan in the Exorcist, and continued to tell me he was going to call.  Whoever doesn’t think staying at home with your child is NOT hard work needs to try it.  Moms can’t be sick.  Thank goodness I was able to crawl from the bathroom and get the phone away from Shaun.  Who KNOWS how much he would have donated.  

The years with Shaun have flown by.  Like it or not, I was there for him all during his elementary years being part of the PTO and as a room parent.  I think he was okay having me there with him, even though he may not admit to it.  There were two LOUD MOUTHS in the building at the time.  Yes, I said two.  Those of you, who have had the pleasure of knowing me and Shaun, and especially Shaun during his elementary school days, know he was also a loud mouth and NEVER QUIET.  Shocking now when you see Shaun.  He almost didn’t go on the 6^th grade field trip due to all his yapping. 

The creative mind, which is what Shaun has, is truly amazing.  Shaun has smarts, art, and music talent.  I heard all through his elementary school years that while Shaun was happily doodling, a teacher would call on him ON PURPOSE.  What made them mad was he would know the answer.  How lucky is that?  I can’t even go to the bathroom unless there is total silence, otherwise I get distracted and don’t know what I am doing. I love this story from his 4^th grade teacher.  The teacher was going around helping other students with science.  Shaun was, of course, drawing.  She looked at Shaun and said to him, “If you want to draw, go in the hall!”  Well, any “normal” kid, including me would know that if a teacher is saying this to you, she means STOP what you are doing.   Not Shaun.  He packed up his stuff, and went in the hall to draw.  The teacher had told me she was in shock and didn’t know what to think.  I have kept all notes from his teachers because it is quite funny to look back.  His 1^st grade teacher loved to catch him in the act in the bathroom.  Not the actual catch him in the act peeing, but catch him in the act bouncing off walls, urinals, etc.  Shaun would always say to me, “I don’t like that you are friends with all the teachers because you take their side!”   My response?  “Shaun, are you supposed to be jumping on the urinals?  Are you supposed to be playing Spiderman in the bathroom?  You BET YOUR BUTT I side with the teachers because you shouldn’t be doing those things.”  Oh what a terrible mama I am.

If we have to do an “I’ll admit” as you see on Facebook…I’ll admit Shaun’s high school years were very trying.  When he decided to buy a tattoo gun (shock enough) then tattooing 666 on his fingers.  I probably turned every shade of red possible.  I looked at Shaun and yelled, “YOU ARE NOT SATAN’S CHILD YOU ARE MY CHILD!”  Shaun tried to stop me from leaving, but I told him his best bet would be to get out of my way before I push him down the stairs.  Needless to say, by the time I got back, he had tattooed over the numbers.   High school was tough for Shaun.  Losing his best friend Brandon, was one of the toughest things ever, followed by the death of his grandfather.  Quite a lot to digest in the matter of a month.  I am happy to say that even though his friend Brandon is no longer here, Shaun remains best friends with Brandon’s brother Sean, whom I consider my son as well.  I can’t not mention Russell, Kyle, and Colton.  They continue to see Shaun frequently, and Russell is just as crazy and loud as me, so Shaun really enjoys when we visit together.

A good friend had told me to enjoy the voluntary hugs you get and that one day you will wake up and they will stop.  It was true.  By the time 4^th grade came around, there were no voluntary good night hugs.  However, Shaun at least continued to say “good night.”  It is exciting and scary watching your child grow up.  Even through all the “bad times” in high school, Shaun graduated with an Honors Diploma and he also graduated early.  I am proud Shaun has found his niche at Columbia College and also wants to go to summer school.  I love the person he is becoming and am excited to see what his future holds. 

This is my birthday tribute to Shaun.  Even though I don’t miss the “I wonder when he will be home?”  I do miss the, I wonder when he will be home?  Happy 20^th birthday, Shaun!  I love you lots!

All Grown Up

I have a headache and could NOT wait to get home to change out of everything and sit and stare at the wall, TV, ANYTHING.  Then, I received a call…it was my “other” son.  I have “adopted” many of these “other” sons over the years.  They have stayed at my house, swam in my pool, gotten in trouble together, and have EATEN ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME!

It was a simple request, “Do you mind if I come over your house for a little bit?”  Even though the headache was still there, my answer was simply “yes, no problem.”  Plans were being made via text and phone calls to my Shaun in Chicago.  Headache still in tow, I was asked if I could take them to the train station to get to my Shaun, their best friend since a very young age.  My eyes could be falling out of my sockets and head exploding and the answer would always be “yes.”  It makes me smile they are all still friends after all these years.

I hate the thought they are all growing up, and growing up in all ways.  When I was asked about giving a ride to the train station, the next question was, “Do you need any gas money?”  First of all, “What?”  Second of all, I would never take money.  I thought to myself, what a grownup thing to do!  I know adults who would never offer money, but a young adult is offering money so he can see his buddy, my son.  When it comes to Shaun’s friends, they are never trouble.  I picture myself as a candle in a candelabra, and Shaun and his friends are the surrounding candles, all beautifully lit.  True, there may be some flames that have been extinguished from the circle of candles, unfortunately; there are many that are lit and burning strong.

All these “sons” used to look up at me.  When I spoke to them, I would look down.  Now, as hugs are exchanged, I am looking up into their eyes.  Until my flame has been extinguished, I will continue to burn strong for all my “sons,” both blood and adopted. 

Underdog

With my job, I work with many types of kids.  All types of personalities and home lives.  You always run across a child with that “wow” factor.  You may be thinking the star athlete or the child that can figure math out in his/her head with no problem.  Not so with me.  My “wow” factor child is the underdog.  The child that does not have that great of a home life.  The child that wasn’t exposed to anything until they stepped through the doors of the school. 

There is a sweet little girl in my class that is the underdog.  She walked into school not knowing colors or how to write her name.  Yes folks, this does happen and we see it all the time.  When Shaun was getting tested for kindergarten, I was worried he didn’t know ENOUGH.  Besides knowing the basics, colors, shapes, name, address, etc., I made sure I got out those math flash cards to practice facts in case he needed to do a timed test.  Ok, I didn’t do that; however, he did know the basics and also he knew how to tie his shoes.  Tying shoes is not a kindergarten standard and needs to be learned at home…..so do a lot of things.

Getting back to my underdog.  When she first walked into school, you couldn’t get her to smile.  She would look at you and turn her head.  Or look at you, and look down.  Second semester came around and there is a different girl.  This girl has more confidence and though she struggles, she TRIES.  She has come a long way from knowing absolutely nothing. 

This girl has now become my “buddy.”  She loves the silly songs I sing in the hallway and now smiles and looks up when I point at her while singing.  Lately, I turn my head and she is next to me.  Out on the playground, her tiny hand holds mine.  Walking in from recess, she also holds my hand into the building.  Her hands are quite cold.  When I asked her where her gloves were, she said she didn’t have any.  Well, that problem is solved…I bought her two pairs. 

I wish the best for this little girl through her life.  I hope she feels comfortable with me and knows that if she ever needs a good listening ear, I will be there for her.  It is a good feeling to see growth and confidence in a child.  J

Change

Today I was sitting here pondering some things.  Okay, it just hasn’t been today that I have been pondering.  What am I pondering?  Change.  Though people say change is good, this girl goes CRAZY.  If anyone has seen Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory, I get what he is saying.  You can’t wear your Tuesday pajamas on a Thursday!  One of my big “changes” is seeing Shaun on a Friday.  During his first semester, Wednesday was the perfect day.  He didn’t have school and I got out of work early.  When his next semester arrived, I began to itch and get flustered trying to figure out what day was best to see him, since it now could not be Wednesday.  Shaun had asked me, “Well, why not Friday?”  My response?  “Well, because it’s Friday and I can’t come down on a Friday because I am sure you have plans on a Friday because you are 19.”  Shaun’s response?  “Okay, that doesn’t make sense but whatever.”

What am I leading to with all this nonsense?  The reality that an even greater change is coming to my house this summer.  While other students will be returning to their homes, my student is remaining in Chicago and moving into another apartment.  I can’t even sell him on the fact we have a POOL, because his apartment complex has a pool. So as the realization that Shaun will probably not be spending a lot of time here in his room, the worst part of this entire “change” thing is he will be taking his bed.  Why is this a big deal?  Well, a bed has occupied his room in this house since he was in 2^nd grade.  Even now, I like to open the door and look around.  Nothing has been touched since he went back to Chicago in January.  The new reality will soon be opening that door, looking in and seeing emptiness.  Well, if that doesn’t just kick a mom in the stomach. 

Shaun has been in my life since I was 23.  It is difficult trying to wrap my mind to pre-Shaun.  Where was I pre-Shaun?  Working in downtown Chicago.  What was I doing at the age of 20?  Well, I lived by myself.  Hmmm, there is something familiar here.  But this is different!  I mean, he’s my son! 

As I sit here and ponder my thoughts I have to keep in mind that when I was Shaun’s age, I wanted to start my life, too.  And maybe also think that there is another round of living to do with my life. 

Music...taking me back

As we all know, I am an AVID music lover.  I love all kinds of music and my collection varies from metal to classical.  Anybody who comes over is likely to find something that will make their toes tap.  Rumor has it, from a very reliable source; I would take a stool, put it by the living room stereo and watch the records play.  I would also sit by this stereo, take a 45 record and move it back and forth while singing.  I was my own personal jukebox. 

I had a realization yesterday when I was listening to the radio.  None of the new songs “take me back.”  You know what I am talking about.  A song on the radio that makes you remember….takes you back.  Since I am “old”, I was also wondering if the “take you back” only is when you are young.  Our lives are so busy when we are older and  there are so many things we have to keep track of, as adults, I am finding it quite sad that I don’t have remember moments for the “new music.”  Here are some examples of my “take me back” music.

When I went to my grandma’s, there was an entirely different type of music to listen to.  My grandparents had the old 78 records that you needed a crane just to pick up.  Ok, slight exaggeration.  I can close my eyes and see the three that I always had to play.  A yellow label was on this particular 78, and the song was a canary singing.  The blue label was the song September Song.  And then there was Riders in the Sky by Vaughn Monroe and His Orchestra.  I did find these on the computer; however, there is nothing like watching the 78 spin, crackle, and pop.

Magic, by Pilot.  Still love this song, as well.  I was in 1^st grade, and a kid I went to school with would ride around on his bike with a radio attached to it.  When he stopped by my house, Magic was playing.  This is what I envision whenever I hear this song.

When I hear Starlight Vocal Band’s Moonlight Feels Right, it takes me back to the summer before entering 3^rd grade.  This was the summer my brother was hit by a car.  Even though the accident was not a good thing, I still love the song.  When my brother had come home from the hospital, I remember playing it since this was “the summer song” back then.

When my husband and I got together, the song that was on rotation on the radio was Dreams Can Come True.  Perfect tune for the both of us, as I had wanted to go out with Andy forever.  We have known each other since the 4^th grade.  There were various proposals of marriage in high school, all of which he stared at me with big blue eyes and was on one knee.  I never said yes until 10 years out of high school.  See, dreams do come true.

I also can’t forget John Lennon’s song Beautiful Boy.  I used to sing this to my Shaun when he was a baby.  How perfect the last line in the song mentions the name Shaun.

I could go on and on, but I think you catch my drift.  It kind of saddens me that I no longer have these “song moments” to bring me back.  However, I am glad that I do have music to take me back.  Even though we all need to push forward into the future, it is nice to close your eyes and go back in time.

Flares, flares, FLARES!

Meds to move

This is the real me.  

Flares, flares, FLARES!   It’s been awhile, so I guess it is time.  But I am not ready.  As I write this, the pain has traveled up my arms.  Forget about my feet.  The Frankenstein walk is very becoming and sexy.  To add to the mix, headaches.  Good times.

I need to go grocery shopping, but somehow I don’t think that will happen.  Just exhausted.  No amount of sleep helps because all you want to do is sleep.  Even going to bed at 7:30 at night just doesn’t give you enough sleep.  I hate to see when I am older. 

I have said it before and I will say it again, thank goodness for the kids at school.  They keep me moving and focused on them for the school day.  When the day is over and I have to go home, I collapse. 

One of my beautiful friends is able to control things naturally.  I know she sometimes still has a hard time though.  I wish I could do what she does; however, when I try to get off things all hell breaks loose.

I also worry about Shaun.  Already he is dealing with going to doctors, all having various diagnosis’.  How frustrating.  I know how he feels because I have dealt with this my entire life.  He was always a pretty healthy child, and I hope it continues into his adult life.  Hopefully this recent thing is just a bump in the road.

What is it like to go out?  I have no clue because I am too exhausted to do anything.  Sad…but I have learned that I have to do what is right for me and listen to my body.  Even though I hate what it says sometimes. 

Here is to all of us out there dealing with this crap.  May we gather strength from each other, be it face to face or through cyber land.