Requiem For A Day

Requiem For A Day

Here she lies, tattered and torn.

Burning from the inside out.

How can she find peace, 

as tears continue to stream down her face.

Her eyes are open, yet she cannot see.

A blank canvas that should be in color

are only the colors of black and gray.

She hears laughter, but cannot laugh.

She hears singing, but cannot sing.

She tries to touch, but cannot reach.

She tries to hold on, but loses her grip.

Down, down she falls, trying to hang on.

Screaming and shouting....but nobody hears.

There she lies, tattered and torn.

Can she now find peace, now that the tears are dry on her face.

A requiem for a day, 

as she looks at herself and walks away.

kap/9/7/15

Lying on my broken bed,
wondering what to do instead.

How to pass the time away,
while others all go out to play.

Staring up and at the ceiling, 
nothing looks too appealing.

Past the door into the hall,
hopefully I will not fall.

Down the stairs, taken in pairs,
hurry! There is no time to spare. 

Open the door into the light,
but I truly only see the night.

I gaze up at the afternoon sky,
hoping that I do not cry.

Turning to go back up the stairs,
hoping that nobody cares.

Back into the dark bedroom,
only thinking of impending gloom.

Lying on my broken bed, 
wondering what to do instead. 




kap
7/2015

Maybe If I Write

Maybe If I Write………

I am hoping if I get ALL this off my chest, I will feel better.  

Is this so hard to ask:  I want to be able to walk around without my entire body seeping wet from sweat.  AND, the top of my head not feeling like a furnace. No, it is not from menopause.  It is from various issues of POOPUS.  Yes, POOPUS, not Lupus.  POOPUS because it is a CROCK OF CRAP.

Four infections in one month.  Count them….one, two, three, FOUR.  That is craziness!  No sooner than I am over one, here comes another.  How is your body, especially MY body, which hates me by the way, get over things?  I have included, at the end, a picture of what my cells look like.

When I went on my errands today, complete with sweat, I put on a great face. When I was talked to, I answered back and smiled.  That’s what I do.  I guess it’s my coping mechanism.  Then, I get in the car and am moping, once again.  

Another coping mechanism is to joke and make people laugh.  I LOVE doing this.  But, when I am home, there is nobody here to make laugh.  Nobody who gets my loudness.  Thank goodness for work and friends, who put up with my nonsense.

Believe it or not, my snot nosed kindergarten kids are my lifesavers.  They keep me focused on them.  They drive me nuts, but make me smile even more.  Yes, being in this petri dish of kiddos is not good for me, but they keep me alive.

Just once, I want to be able to plan something AND NOT have to worry about how I am going to feel.  Naps are sometimes necessary, but never a guarantee I will wake up with energy.

Pain control.  HA!  That’s a laugh.  Pain from infections.  Pain from “normal” lupus stuff, i.e. muscles, joints, mouth sores.  I take minimal pain medications. Hey, I watch Intervention.  In no WAY do I want to look like those freaks.  I want to function.

I no longer have a set cleaning day.  Cleaning is done piece by piece.  Toilet one day, and maybe the rest of the bathroom a few hours later.  Washing the floor. I don’t even NEED to have a container of water.  All the sweat that is pouring off me is all that is needed to clean.

Well, I’m done.  Writing is therapy.  My pain is still here, but my mind isn’t as cluttered.

Kathy
April 2, 2015

These are my cells, fighting my cells.  Lovely!

IT’S A CROCK OF CRAP!

IT’S A CROCK OF CRAP!

As the white flakes gently floated down from the sky, I remembered… WHAT A CROCK OF CRAP WINTER WAS!  Let’s begin, shall we?

Ahh, the excitement of winter break finally ending was here.  Like a school kid, I was excited for school to begin again.  Okay, maybe a school kid wasn’t excited, but I was!  My clothes were all picked out.  All my things needed for school were put into my huge pink suitcase. After all, it is winter and a suitcase is needed to lug things back and forth.  No flip flops on my feet, but fluffy boots instead.  Shoes to change into were in my pink suitcase, along with everything else.  By the time you head out the door, you are wishing you had a doorman to carry your things to the car.

My husband, the sweetheart  he is, had cleaned off my car the night before.  I was ready to go!  All I needed to do in the morning was warm up the car.  A stress free morning, ready to great all the kids.

I decided to warm up the car 30 minutes before my departure time.  People who know me know if I am not there 15 minutes before an appointment, etc., then I am late.  Let’s not forget that much needed cup of coffee either.

Nothing says, “Good morning” like going out to your car and the doors are frozen.  Not one door, but ALL FOUR.  I swear, if you looked out your window, I probably looked like a cartoon character.  Both feet on the door, trying to pry the damn thing open.  All the while, yelling at the car:  “Are you KIDDING ME?”  “WHAT THE HELL?”  “UHHHH!”  “AHHHH!”  “Oh, COME ON!”  “SERIOUSLY?”  And, of course the ever popular, “I’M MOVING!”

Plan B.  Go to neighbors house and ask him to open it.  I mean, my strength is decreased due to my Lupus but surely he can open the door.  Ummm, no such luck.  Now picture a big guy, both feet on the door, trying to pry the damn thing open.  You guessed it, no such luck.  

I did eventually get into a car to get to work.  Mind you not the nicely cleaned car, but the car that was fully packed with snow.  By the time I got to work, looking out the one little spot that I chipped clear, and driving in a hunched position, I was fully in sweat mode.  Hair now plastered to my head.  My makeup?  Forget it.  I looked like a hooker, who was high on crack, and decided to apply blush to their cheeks and chin!  As you picture the make up look, don’t forget to add the plastered hair.  Yikes!

So as I sit here and rethink the events of the day, all I have to say is, “I wasn’t made for winter!  I want my flip flops!”

One Word Says A Lot

I want to thank all who participated in the “give me one word to describe how nuts I am” contest.  Well, not exactly a contest because nobody won anything, but it was very helpful.

I also thought about using the Venn Diagram for this writing.  I mean, it has come in handy before.  Anyone who has not had the pleasure of the  Venn Diagram, it is pictured below sort out your thoughts and helps you write:

Let’s organize the words in the Venn, shall we?  Ummm, hmmmm.  Let’s see, do I put sparkly and hairy together?  Or perhaps adorable should go with sparkly because sparkly is quite adorable.  Maybe, I should put Shaun’s choice of erratic with unforgettable and hilarious!  Yes!  Because my behavior is unforgettable, hilarious and somewhat erratic!  I do have to laugh at the word, erratic.  Erratic mean unpredictable.  Now those who really know me, know that I break a sweat when things don’t go in the right order.  Talk about breaking out in hives!  

I love when I was described as crazy, and not in the “lock you in a mental hospital” type crazy.  At least I hope not!  I think the craziness is because I love to make people laugh and to make them feel good.  If I can make someone laugh each day, my goal is accomplished.  

I loved all these words that described me, yet in my world I describe myself as…….I don’t know, it depends on the day.  Never would I say, “Gee, Kathy, you are so wonderful, pat yourself on the back.”  We are our own worst critics.  I know if I ever got into a wrestling ring with myself, who knows which “self” would win.  I think both would get beaten pretty bad.

My husband described me as an angel.  I read the various definitions of an angel, and the one I like best is “messenger.”  Maybe I am the messenger, to deliver laughs and make people smile.  If I make someone smile, that in turn makes me smile.

I am my own messenger service, even though I didn’t know it.  Delivering laughs to one and all.  But don’t expect me to cruise around on a bike delivering these messages.  Always stay tuned on the computer.  If I crash my bike, I would be hurt.  If i crash my computer, this would just hurt my purse.  :P 

Dub WHAT?

I am a fan of all types of music.  If you come into my realm, I am sure I can find something you would like.  Then I came across Dub Step.  I know, Dub WHAT?  Let me school you.

To put it simply, Dub Step is a genre of electronic music.  Upon my research, the tempo is about 138-142 beats per minute.  Tap your foot to THAT, people.  If I were describe Dub Step it is like this: 

• Put on a strobe light at fast speed.
• Now, if possible, find an album or 45 record and put it on a 78 speed.
• Turn on another strobe light at fast speed.
• Clap your hands to the strobe light.
• When you can’t take it anymore, start slamming your head against the wall because it is a repetitive type music that can be maddening.

Okay, so maybe not do the last one, but hopefully you get the idea.  I had tried several times to listen to this type of music and would have to turn it off because I thought my ears were going to pop off my head.

Fast forward to when the Columbia College son came home.  Here I am sitting in the living room and heard electronic music that reminded me of the 80’s!  WHAT??  I am so proud!  Shaun has finally realized what great synthesized music we had back in the days of neon clothes (which are back, by the way.  However, I can’t quite pull off the “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” shirt with George Michaels short, SHORT shorts).  

Getting back to Shaun’s revelation of 80’s music, when I asked him what 80’s group he was listening to he didn’t say Duran Duran or The Eurhythmics.  What he did say was, “Skrillex.”  Not only was I shocked that he wasn’t listening to 80’s music, but I was shocked that I liked Skrillex, which happens to be Dub Step!  Can I listen to it over and over?  No, I can’t.  But I can listen to it without wanting to slam my head into the wall.

Why am I writing about this?  I never want to be a closed minded person who only listens to one type of music.  BORING!  I have enjoyed all genres.  No offense to my parents, because I love them dearly, but I believe they came from the generation who only listened to a certain type of music.  Therefore, when different things came out, it was probably kind of shocking.  Yes, Marilyn Manson is kind of “shocking.”  Do I have his music?  You bet.  I look past his “weirdness” and like his music.  Great marketing by Marilyn Mason, by the way.  Want people to listen?  Shock them, etc.

I am proud to say, I will be rocking to music until the end.  AND, I will always be plopped on my couch for each music awards!  Why?  Because I’m cool like dat!

Dance Of The Sugar Plum Phone

Back in my younger days I used to take dance lessons and also gymnastics.  I loved it.  I loved the “tap, tap, tap” of my tap shoes; however, I had to practice in the basement due to the loudness.  Me?  Loud?  NEVER!  I also loved gymnastics.  I was known to cartwheel all the way from our rental house down to the lake when we were on vacation.  Why do I bring dancing and gymnastics up now?  Well, because of my phone, of course!

Ok, let me explain.  My phone and I are in a somewhat battle with each other.  You see, I just want to plug in my phone and have it charge.  My phone has a different agenda.  My phone wants me to “dance” with it.

Every night I go through the same ritual.  Plug in the phone….wait…plug in the phone….wait….plug in the phone and stare longingly into the wallpaper of the phones eyes to wait for that charge light.  Sounds easy enough.  Nope.  My phone and I go through a series of dances.  It is not up to me what determines which type of dance we do, it is up to the phone.  

Some nights, the phone is happy with a slow Waltz.  Other times, it’s like I am doing a Cha Cha, or better yet a Lindy Hop.  Yes, I believe the Lindy Hop is a better description.  Apparently, besides going back and forth, my phone loves to be put in the air…a lift you might say.

I never took ballet; however, this is also what my phone likes to do. Many a plie have been done to charge the phone.  If only I had a bar put in my room, this would make it much easier.  I might add, depending on how my phone is acting, this would also determine the type of bar needed in the room.  Malibu and pineapple, anyone?

So I practice nicely with my phone all the various dances just to charge it.  Instead of being impatient with the phone, I just learn to be patient and let the phone choose when it is ready to quit the dance.  I have learned if I shake and growl at the phone, this does NOTHING.  Kind of like when you ask your child to do something and it could take 10 years to do.  

I will continue to do my dance of the sugar plum phone.  Why not get a new one?  Well, it is not time to get one, of course.  Isn’t it always that way?  When something breaks, the warranty runs out, etc. etc.  Maybe my phone will let ME choose a dance for a change.  Like this fabulous picture of “me” doing the epic water dance.