Requiem For A Day

Requiem For A Day

Here she lies, tattered and torn.

Burning from the inside out.

How can she find peace, 

as tears continue to stream down her face.

Her eyes are open, yet she cannot see.

A blank canvas that should be in color

are only the colors of black and gray.

She hears laughter, but cannot laugh.

She hears singing, but cannot sing.

She tries to touch, but cannot reach.

She tries to hold on, but loses her grip.

Down, down she falls, trying to hang on.

Screaming and shouting....but nobody hears.

There she lies, tattered and torn.

Can she now find peace, now that the tears are dry on her face.

A requiem for a day, 

as she looks at herself and walks away.

kap/9/7/15

Lying on my broken bed,
wondering what to do instead.

How to pass the time away,
while others all go out to play.

Staring up and at the ceiling, 
nothing looks too appealing.

Past the door into the hall,
hopefully I will not fall.

Down the stairs, taken in pairs,
hurry! There is no time to spare. 

Open the door into the light,
but I truly only see the night.

I gaze up at the afternoon sky,
hoping that I do not cry.

Turning to go back up the stairs,
hoping that nobody cares.

Back into the dark bedroom,
only thinking of impending gloom.

Lying on my broken bed, 
wondering what to do instead. 




kap
7/2015

Maybe If I Write

Maybe If I Write………

I am hoping if I get ALL this off my chest, I will feel better.  

Is this so hard to ask:  I want to be able to walk around without my entire body seeping wet from sweat.  AND, the top of my head not feeling like a furnace. No, it is not from menopause.  It is from various issues of POOPUS.  Yes, POOPUS, not Lupus.  POOPUS because it is a CROCK OF CRAP.

Four infections in one month.  Count them….one, two, three, FOUR.  That is craziness!  No sooner than I am over one, here comes another.  How is your body, especially MY body, which hates me by the way, get over things?  I have included, at the end, a picture of what my cells look like.

When I went on my errands today, complete with sweat, I put on a great face. When I was talked to, I answered back and smiled.  That’s what I do.  I guess it’s my coping mechanism.  Then, I get in the car and am moping, once again.  

Another coping mechanism is to joke and make people laugh.  I LOVE doing this.  But, when I am home, there is nobody here to make laugh.  Nobody who gets my loudness.  Thank goodness for work and friends, who put up with my nonsense.

Believe it or not, my snot nosed kindergarten kids are my lifesavers.  They keep me focused on them.  They drive me nuts, but make me smile even more.  Yes, being in this petri dish of kiddos is not good for me, but they keep me alive.

Just once, I want to be able to plan something AND NOT have to worry about how I am going to feel.  Naps are sometimes necessary, but never a guarantee I will wake up with energy.

Pain control.  HA!  That’s a laugh.  Pain from infections.  Pain from “normal” lupus stuff, i.e. muscles, joints, mouth sores.  I take minimal pain medications. Hey, I watch Intervention.  In no WAY do I want to look like those freaks.  I want to function.

I no longer have a set cleaning day.  Cleaning is done piece by piece.  Toilet one day, and maybe the rest of the bathroom a few hours later.  Washing the floor. I don’t even NEED to have a container of water.  All the sweat that is pouring off me is all that is needed to clean.

Well, I’m done.  Writing is therapy.  My pain is still here, but my mind isn’t as cluttered.

Kathy
April 2, 2015

These are my cells, fighting my cells.  Lovely!

IT’S A CROCK OF CRAP!

IT’S A CROCK OF CRAP!

As the white flakes gently floated down from the sky, I remembered… WHAT A CROCK OF CRAP WINTER WAS!  Let’s begin, shall we?

Ahh, the excitement of winter break finally ending was here.  Like a school kid, I was excited for school to begin again.  Okay, maybe a school kid wasn’t excited, but I was!  My clothes were all picked out.  All my things needed for school were put into my huge pink suitcase. After all, it is winter and a suitcase is needed to lug things back and forth.  No flip flops on my feet, but fluffy boots instead.  Shoes to change into were in my pink suitcase, along with everything else.  By the time you head out the door, you are wishing you had a doorman to carry your things to the car.

My husband, the sweetheart  he is, had cleaned off my car the night before.  I was ready to go!  All I needed to do in the morning was warm up the car.  A stress free morning, ready to great all the kids.

I decided to warm up the car 30 minutes before my departure time.  People who know me know if I am not there 15 minutes before an appointment, etc., then I am late.  Let’s not forget that much needed cup of coffee either.

Nothing says, “Good morning” like going out to your car and the doors are frozen.  Not one door, but ALL FOUR.  I swear, if you looked out your window, I probably looked like a cartoon character.  Both feet on the door, trying to pry the damn thing open.  All the while, yelling at the car:  “Are you KIDDING ME?”  “WHAT THE HELL?”  “UHHHH!”  “AHHHH!”  “Oh, COME ON!”  “SERIOUSLY?”  And, of course the ever popular, “I’M MOVING!”

Plan B.  Go to neighbors house and ask him to open it.  I mean, my strength is decreased due to my Lupus but surely he can open the door.  Ummm, no such luck.  Now picture a big guy, both feet on the door, trying to pry the damn thing open.  You guessed it, no such luck.  

I did eventually get into a car to get to work.  Mind you not the nicely cleaned car, but the car that was fully packed with snow.  By the time I got to work, looking out the one little spot that I chipped clear, and driving in a hunched position, I was fully in sweat mode.  Hair now plastered to my head.  My makeup?  Forget it.  I looked like a hooker, who was high on crack, and decided to apply blush to their cheeks and chin!  As you picture the make up look, don’t forget to add the plastered hair.  Yikes!

So as I sit here and rethink the events of the day, all I have to say is, “I wasn’t made for winter!  I want my flip flops!”