Now that I have been out of the classroom for about a week, I feel I can now delve into the wonderful world of the kindergarten class, or as I fondly call them The Children of the Corn.
Let me school you on those little 5 and 6-year olds. Everyone, that is everyone not in the classroom, has said to me, “Oh how cute, kindergarten.” Those people are DOOMED if they are to go into the classroom and teach, doomed and possibly tied up in the back of the classroom. Yes, they appear cute on the outside but careful because they have horns. Just ask any substitute who comes in nicely groomed to a kindergarten class all smiles. And what was she thinking wearing nice pants and stiletto heels? Those nice pants turned into a step stool for the kindergartener who does now know how to tie their shoes. And those heels? That’s a joke. I am sure she should have rethought that one. By the end of the day, she is disheveled. Makeup smudged, hair standing straight up due to the glue that was “accidentally” put in her hair by one of the students. The smile that was on her face at the beginning of the day has turned into a “When do they get out of here?” look of panic.
Each year brings in new faces and 25 different personalities. Some may not realize these little people have NO CLUE how to line up. Folks, they just don’t come in knowing how to do things. At the beginning of kindergarten, the line kind of looks like the platoon in the movie Stripes….all over the place. The following cadence is used to try and get things in order:
Follow the person in front of you.
Follow the person in front of you.
Follow the person in front of you.
Sounds easy enough, right? But to the new kindergartener, they have no clue what in front of you or behind you mean!
In our classroom we have a lot of “fests” going on, and it’s not the type of fests you may be thinking of. Also, we add the year we are in to accentuate the word “fest”. Here are some examples:
1. This is not “bathroom fest 2011” which means when one goes to the bathroom the next 24 all of a sudden are going to explode in their pants.
2. This is not “drink fest 2011” which means when one student needs a drink the next 24 are going to die of thirst.
3. This is not “talk fest 2011” which means we really don’t care what you have to say right now.
4. This is not “tattle fest 2011” which means we really don’t want to know that Johnny looked at you.
Cute, right? Sure..maybe if you are new to the classroom, but try this for 180 days!
Like I said earlier, each year brings in a new set of students, with various personalities. This year I was “flashed” by a little boy twice. Why twice? Perhaps he was thinking, “Hmm, maybe she didn’t catch me, I am going to try this again. I need some sort of response.” My response was, “Really? Do you do that at home?” He shook his head no and folded his hands in his lap. I am happy to say there were no more flashes after this incident, thank God!
Kindergarteners just say whatever. This is why many teachers could write books because YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS STUFF UP. Case in point. We were at bathroom break. After you use the bathroom, wash your hands, and take a drink you sit down with your hands folded. This one particular day, Johnny (whose name has been changed to protect the innocent. Ha! Innocent!). Okay, getting back to the story, Johnny was sitting down; hands folded when he suddenly cocked his head to the side, put his finger to his lip and questioned himself, “Did I toot? I think I tooted.” I will give him this; at least he answered his own question. The girl he sat next to, God bless her, remained quiet but was probably thinking to herself, “If you don’t know that was your air that escaped your cheeks, math and reading are sure going to be hard for you.”
To think, I quit a Financial Representative job to work with these creatures. First I volunteered and eventually decided I loved it. Even when I was laid off, I continued to volunteer in the classroom. I love what I do and it keeps me sane, or maybe a little insane. J
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