Change

Today I was sitting here pondering some things.  Okay, it just hasn’t been today that I have been pondering.  What am I pondering?  Change.  Though people say change is good, this girl goes CRAZY.  If anyone has seen Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory, I get what he is saying.  You can’t wear your Tuesday pajamas on a Thursday!  One of my big “changes” is seeing Shaun on a Friday.  During his first semester, Wednesday was the perfect day.  He didn’t have school and I got out of work early.  When his next semester arrived, I began to itch and get flustered trying to figure out what day was best to see him, since it now could not be Wednesday.  Shaun had asked me, “Well, why not Friday?”  My response?  “Well, because it’s Friday and I can’t come down on a Friday because I am sure you have plans on a Friday because you are 19.”  Shaun’s response?  “Okay, that doesn’t make sense but whatever.”

What am I leading to with all this nonsense?  The reality that an even greater change is coming to my house this summer.  While other students will be returning to their homes, my student is remaining in Chicago and moving into another apartment.  I can’t even sell him on the fact we have a POOL, because his apartment complex has a pool. So as the realization that Shaun will probably not be spending a lot of time here in his room, the worst part of this entire “change” thing is he will be taking his bed.  Why is this a big deal?  Well, a bed has occupied his room in this house since he was in 2^nd grade.  Even now, I like to open the door and look around.  Nothing has been touched since he went back to Chicago in January.  The new reality will soon be opening that door, looking in and seeing emptiness.  Well, if that doesn’t just kick a mom in the stomach. 

Shaun has been in my life since I was 23.  It is difficult trying to wrap my mind to pre-Shaun.  Where was I pre-Shaun?  Working in downtown Chicago.  What was I doing at the age of 20?  Well, I lived by myself.  Hmmm, there is something familiar here.  But this is different!  I mean, he’s my son! 

As I sit here and ponder my thoughts I have to keep in mind that when I was Shaun’s age, I wanted to start my life, too.  And maybe also think that there is another round of living to do with my life. 

Music...taking me back

As we all know, I am an AVID music lover.  I love all kinds of music and my collection varies from metal to classical.  Anybody who comes over is likely to find something that will make their toes tap.  Rumor has it, from a very reliable source; I would take a stool, put it by the living room stereo and watch the records play.  I would also sit by this stereo, take a 45 record and move it back and forth while singing.  I was my own personal jukebox. 

I had a realization yesterday when I was listening to the radio.  None of the new songs “take me back.”  You know what I am talking about.  A song on the radio that makes you remember….takes you back.  Since I am “old”, I was also wondering if the “take you back” only is when you are young.  Our lives are so busy when we are older and  there are so many things we have to keep track of, as adults, I am finding it quite sad that I don’t have remember moments for the “new music.”  Here are some examples of my “take me back” music.

When I went to my grandma’s, there was an entirely different type of music to listen to.  My grandparents had the old 78 records that you needed a crane just to pick up.  Ok, slight exaggeration.  I can close my eyes and see the three that I always had to play.  A yellow label was on this particular 78, and the song was a canary singing.  The blue label was the song September Song.  And then there was Riders in the Sky by Vaughn Monroe and His Orchestra.  I did find these on the computer; however, there is nothing like watching the 78 spin, crackle, and pop.

Magic, by Pilot.  Still love this song, as well.  I was in 1^st grade, and a kid I went to school with would ride around on his bike with a radio attached to it.  When he stopped by my house, Magic was playing.  This is what I envision whenever I hear this song.

When I hear Starlight Vocal Band’s Moonlight Feels Right, it takes me back to the summer before entering 3^rd grade.  This was the summer my brother was hit by a car.  Even though the accident was not a good thing, I still love the song.  When my brother had come home from the hospital, I remember playing it since this was “the summer song” back then.

When my husband and I got together, the song that was on rotation on the radio was Dreams Can Come True.  Perfect tune for the both of us, as I had wanted to go out with Andy forever.  We have known each other since the 4^th grade.  There were various proposals of marriage in high school, all of which he stared at me with big blue eyes and was on one knee.  I never said yes until 10 years out of high school.  See, dreams do come true.

I also can’t forget John Lennon’s song Beautiful Boy.  I used to sing this to my Shaun when he was a baby.  How perfect the last line in the song mentions the name Shaun.

I could go on and on, but I think you catch my drift.  It kind of saddens me that I no longer have these “song moments” to bring me back.  However, I am glad that I do have music to take me back.  Even though we all need to push forward into the future, it is nice to close your eyes and go back in time.

Flares, flares, FLARES!

Meds to move

This is the real me.  

Flares, flares, FLARES!   It’s been awhile, so I guess it is time.  But I am not ready.  As I write this, the pain has traveled up my arms.  Forget about my feet.  The Frankenstein walk is very becoming and sexy.  To add to the mix, headaches.  Good times.

I need to go grocery shopping, but somehow I don’t think that will happen.  Just exhausted.  No amount of sleep helps because all you want to do is sleep.  Even going to bed at 7:30 at night just doesn’t give you enough sleep.  I hate to see when I am older. 

I have said it before and I will say it again, thank goodness for the kids at school.  They keep me moving and focused on them for the school day.  When the day is over and I have to go home, I collapse. 

One of my beautiful friends is able to control things naturally.  I know she sometimes still has a hard time though.  I wish I could do what she does; however, when I try to get off things all hell breaks loose.

I also worry about Shaun.  Already he is dealing with going to doctors, all having various diagnosis’.  How frustrating.  I know how he feels because I have dealt with this my entire life.  He was always a pretty healthy child, and I hope it continues into his adult life.  Hopefully this recent thing is just a bump in the road.

What is it like to go out?  I have no clue because I am too exhausted to do anything.  Sad…but I have learned that I have to do what is right for me and listen to my body.  Even though I hate what it says sometimes. 

Here is to all of us out there dealing with this crap.  May we gather strength from each other, be it face to face or through cyber land.