Get me a Kleenex because being a mother is hard

I came home from work today and saw my son sitting on his bed with his head resting in his hands staring at the wall.  When I asked what was wrong, the typical words from any teenager came out of his mouth, “nothing.”  Us mom’s have that mom instinct and we know when it is a lie.  My son is hurting right now, and there is nothing I can do.  There is no magic wand or magic words to make all his pain go away.  When he said to me, “I might as well just jump in front of a bus” my heart broke and I swear I left blood on the floor where I stood.  My son is at a standstill right now and feels like he is hanging in limbo until September, when he plans on going to Columbia College in Chicago.

My son had said he was “done” with school his sophomore year of high school.  It wasn’t until recently that I figured out why, and why the once mouthy (like his mom) boy was all of a sudden quiet. His best friend since the age of three passed away suddenly, followed by his grandfather, followed by another classmate.  Bam!  Three in a row, all within a month.  When his best friend passed away, I still remember a number of kids sitting in my living room wondering why?  How could someone they knew since before grade school no longer be around to poke fun at?  Unfortunately, I could not answer their questions because I did not have an answer.  Besides the three deaths that occurred, a friend he played guitar with was diagnosed with cancer his sophomore year.  This friend passed away his senior year of high school. 

At 19 my son feels like life is ending, when in all actuality it is just beginning.  He is so confused as to what to do and no matter how much I say it will be okay, you are young and have your whole life in front of you, he can’t see this.  My son is very fortunate because not only does he excel academically, but also artistically.  When he made his first choice of studying engineering, many people were surprised he wasn’t going into art.  Months later he made the comment, “Why didn’t anybody tell me to go into art or music?”  My response, “We did; however, you wanted to go for engineering, so we supported you in your choice.” 

As painful as it is for me to watch him in distress, I can only offer my words of wisdom and comfort.  I can only do so much for him, but at some point a baby bird must leave the nest and start doing things on his own.  The next few months will be trying for him and again all I can offer is my support.  I can’t hold his hand, although it was much easier when I was able to hold his hand.  I will end with one of my favorite poems by Robert Frost, which I carry in my wallet.  To me, it is truly a powerful poem and kind of fits the theme of the day.

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf,

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down today

Nothing gold can stay.