Today I birthed a cow. How you ask, since number one I am NOT a cow, and number two it is physically impossible for a human to give birth to a cow. Okay, so I didn’t birth a cow; however, I DID purchase contacts and glasses for the low, low price of $800! Now do you see how I basically birthed a cow, since dropping $800 is also very painful?
Many years ago, when I was in 3rd grade, I had my eyes checked in school like everyone else. Well, guess what, I needed glasses. My mom thought it was probably because everyone else in the family had glasses. Turns out, I have the worst vision of EVERYONE in our family. Yes, what a joy to have to wear glasses as a girl. We aren’t talking about the cute glasses they have now. Oh no, back then I got to sport coke bottle glasses that would slide down my nose because they were so heavy. By the time I was in Jr. High, they were ridiculous! Plus, you know the saying, “guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” well I totally felt that. Being the ugly duckling I felt I was, I would put my glasses in my back pocket. Did they break? Of course! I was the queen of crazy gluing the frames back together. Can I just add, the burning sensation in your eyes from the crazy glue was not a good time?
All my 80’s people probably remember Omni. The BEST place to skate. Again, my glasses would be in my pocket as I skated around. Could I see anybody as I skated? Nope. Possibly a cute guy COULD have been waving me over to skate with him; however, I had no clue since I couldn’t see. For all I know, I could have been skating with the guys for “all guys skate” because I couldn’t see! Back then, the guys HAD long hair! Good grief, I hope that didn’t happen. I think my friends would have bailed me out if they saw me skating during “all guys skate.”
It wasn’t until I was in 10th grade that my parents bought me contact lenses. Again, thank GOODNESS! It is extremely hard to hold up your head with the glasses I had to wear. If you were sweating? Forget it. The glasses would go down to my mouth, like a mouth guard. My first set of contacts was gas permeable lenses. Basically they were shards of glass in the shape of a circle you put in your eye. And if anyone accidentally startled you? Be prepared to spend at least a half an hour trying to get the lens out of your eye, which is now suctioned to the bottom part of your eye. It’s like your eyeball has just seen a ghost and your eyeball is the one saying “EEEEKKKK!” After the “EEEEKKKK” the contact drops and suctions to your eye. After the suction would finally release, your eye was a beautiful shade of red. Except for where the contact was suctioned, that part was white. Good times. Do I even have to tell you about when your contact chips? The gas permeable lens was basically a torture device, in my eyes. And yes, the torture device was in my eyes. J
So the Cadillac of purchases today was bifocals. Yup, 42 with bifocals. I can say this, at least with today’s glasses nobody will even know I have them because you cannot see the lines. I am sulking about this huge purchase. It pains me to drop this much on glasses and contacts. Hopefully with the switch, I can now look at people without scowling at them. I am sure many thought I was just a crabby pants when in all actuality, I couldn’t SEE them! J
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